wow this year is almost over. it's really hard to believe. i almost had a breakdown in convo today about graduating when they were doing senior goodbyes and im not even a senior yet! i feel like time is just whizzing right by me and all the while i just keep wondering where it is.

i feel like this year has just flown and im just sitting here wondering what i did with it. last year was such a huge memorable year for me and im worried that i didnt make the most of this one. it's hard enough looking at florence pictures and knowing that the way things were in those pictures had their own place and time and that that place and time is over now. sure we can all still see each other back here in malibu, but it's not the same. it's hard because i feel like im always tricking myself into believing that in a little while it will come back .. but then when i really stop and think i know it never will...

im not meaning for this to be super depressing, it's just hard. it's hard feeling like i have so much to prepare for my life after college and that i have to put so much time into what ill become. it's hard because i feel like i end up not putting much time into what I AM and what i want to remember about these years. it was so easy last year because it was only about FLORENCE and NOW and ME and US. i just feel so scattered right now with my life that it's not so easy to figure out what to focus us. i feel like i give so much to so many different things that i dont even know what im really working for at all.

i really just want to go back to florence next christmas. i know it wont be the same even if its with the same people but i dont care. and i really want to spend my last year here LIVING and not just going through the motions. i want every moment and every experience and every opportunity so that when its actually me walking across the stage next year, i can look back and know i did it right.

you know, sometimes life hurts. at some point you grow up and you realize that every decision you make affects everyone else in your life, especially the people close to you. and i feel like i wish i wouldve realized sooner.